I don’t like to talk about my divorce or my failed marriage.
They are not happy things to talk about and generally I avoid unpleasantness as far as ever I can.
It is important for the purpose of this blog, though, to understand that I was in fact married to an incarnation of evil its self. The circumstances around our eventual break up were beyond ridiculous, they were so bad that they were bordering on fictional. You just can’t believe it all really happened.
Anyway one thing I was really clear on was that I would not be turned into a bitter divorcee.
My baby boy laughed his first real heart felt laugh at the tender age of twelve weeks old. The sight of his smile broke through the murky blackness that I was suspended in like a ray of sunshine that touched right into the very core my soul. He is to this day the most joyful child you could hope to meet. So with the strength of my children I was able to pull myself out of that murky place and with my strength they were able to keep right on shining.
Pretty story. But then life being what it is, kept happening.
The worst of all would be seeing the ex-factor. Every time I saw him I would be plunged into boiling vats of anger. It was not so good for my sunny disposition. Being a broke and struggling single mom is also not that conducive to skip-a-long-with-the-butterflies-ness.
I stood by my determination not to become a sad and bitter divorced old woman though, so I had to figure out a way not to let the man get me down. (that’s the man not the man). In other words life.
Three and a half years later I can tell you that it’s easy. Well no, actually it is really hard, but it’s easy.
You just have to stop trying to get through to someone who is a hopeless case. Stop trying to be right. Stop expecting them to follow through on their commitments. If they were going to follow through on their commitments you would still be married after all.
As soon as you really truly let it go, it no longer has any power over you. It is the most amazingly liberating feeling to be able to listen to the tirades and exploits of someone who used to emotionally abuse and control you, and be able to feel nothing but a fleeting pity for them.
It’s hard. It’s hard to make the decision to let it go. It’s hard to accept that you will be going it alone, raising your children without a father or any kind of support from him. It’s hard to accept that you made very bad choices. Most of all its hard to stop trying to be right. Because to do that you have to accept full responsibility for your own actions. You have to stop telling people how hard it is for you. You can’t be happy while you are trying to look for sympathy.
But once you make the choice to let it go. Then it’s done. Sometimes it’s a choice that you have to keep making again and again every time he comes up in conversation. Or every time you speak to him. But every time you make the choice to let it go it gets easier, and as it becomes apparent that you are free from someone they eventually leave you alone and drift out of significance within your life. That’s how the universe works.
Now it is not to say that you feel nothing. It starts by just not reacting to those feelings. Eventually you come to the point when you can acknowledge the feeling, like a balloon that is passing through you. You feel it, but you let it keep going.
And then it’s gone.
The other important thing about life after a painful break-up is just finding the little things in life that make you happy. be it (quite often in my case) a slice of toast or a cup of tea. You have to be in that moment of that thing. Be in the moment with that cup of tea and let any pain from the past or fear for the future just pass by you. Wave at it as it goes, say “hello, yes I see you, you are the pain that belongs to that place where I was” or, “Hi, yes, you are the fears for the future, I see you there, okay. You are normal, you are fine, off you go now” and that’s it.
Then you have to focus all of your energy into whatever the best thing is in your life at that moment. Not all of the bad things, yes they are there keep going, but the good things. Appreciate them. Be grateful for them to the bottom of your being because they are the things that show us that life is beautiful. Same goes for kindness and love. If someone offers you the smallest kindness take it, be grateful for it, revel in it and be ready to deal the same kindness to others when your turn comes around.
You have to have faith.
Faith is about the strongest and most fragile thing ever.
That is how I got through the blackest and darkest time of my life. I just focused on the pinpoint of light until all that was left was a pinpoint of darkness.
You are capable of so much more than you think you are. You just have to take it one step at a time and let all of the rest go.
That is the only way to take your power back – let it go.